It all started in July 2017 when i just completed my school and recently returned from a vacation from Jammu, this was one of the rarest times where i voluntarily agreed to travel somewhere that too outside my native city, it was actually my grandparents plan who wanted to travel to Katra, Jammu. I was not even in their list of whom they wanted to travel there with, it was my elder brother that they decided to go with (for obvious reasons), then it was my mother who took the call and insisted to take me with them as well, and that’s how i ended up travelling there.
If i’m remembering it correctly, we stayed there for a few days till we completed the darshan of all temples there, and then we travelled to Amritsar, Punjab to visit the golden temple, thereafter we visited few other places till we finally returned to our home city, returning to home especially when you’d never left it, felt different to me in many ways, the home felt different like i was visiting someone else’s home, even my parents somewhat looked different to me, overall it was a great feeling.
Then I started applying for colleges around July-august month, in the meantime i started using internet way too much where i stumbled upon the term blogging, and Google’s own blogging platform (blogger.com), it sort of instantly fueled me to write something. Although i was never a very good student, but i always had liked the english subject from the beginning maybe because i sort of had some inclination towards it or maybe i had a great teacher that instilled this love towards the subject inside me.
So august was the month i pivoted towards my writing journey, I officially begin by opening a tech blog, In that period I had no idea about how to set up a website, how a website even works, what should be done, and what things should be avoided, but as a true tech enthusiast I searched and found my way on the internet, It had all the answers to all my possible questions. And that is how I started.
The best part about that period was I never had to think or care about what will other people think of me for expressing my thoughts or for my awful grammar skills (because you know, I was still a teenager!), So I just continued writing as many posts as I can with whatever i had to talk about, and honestly it all went pretty well before i suddenly abandoned the website completely for some reason.
Almost a year later (in sept 2018) I Started again my writing journey, now by this time I had some experience, in coding, graphic designing, and some basic knowledge of setting up and customizing a website. So I spent my first few weeks in doing those things and finally posted my first blog post on a completely new website, under a completely new name, made my first ever good looking logo, purchased a .com domain, and invested all my learnings to make it the best blog as I can.
And fortunately it went beyond my expectations, I started getting great response from the readers, two of my articles were ranking at the number one spot on google and which was a pretty huge deal for me considering i had only uploaded somewhere around 6 articles in total. I was also getting 500-1000 visitors per day on my blog which was huge for me at that point of time. But again in May 2019 as my exams were about to arrive I stopped writing & uploading articles altogether.
Time went by got more and more busy with the studies, I was preparing for a exam which had like a passing percentage of 6-7%, For that reason I gave a complete pause to my writing, and honestly speaking I was a pretty average student throughout the years, and which was enough of a reason for me to stop entertaining other parts of life, it was not even few months before i started feeling sick of me/sick of just studying, that day i promised myself that i will develop a writing habit and will reinstate my blog in the coming days, no matter what.
In the year 2020 & 2021, I continued paying the Annual domain charges even though I wasn’t really doing anything on my website, the reason why I was paying, because I somewhat believed that I will someday upload again to my website, but unfortunately it never really happened, I tried reviving it back but couldn’t able to.
Then I’d decided one day, that I will not continue anymore and will even drop the idea of coming back to that website, and discontinue paying for the domain charges, although it was a really tough decision for me, however i stayed true to my words and stopped there, now when I look back I feel grateful that at least I started, doesn’t matter how it went, and that atleast i have a data as well some memories to trace back that i did done something in the past.
In the year 2022 & 2023 i tried again to get back to my writing routine, but i no longer had the interest in the same niche or topics i had before, so i knew even if i decide to get back I will not be able to write with the same feeling or intensity, also i wasn’t sure of myself that will i even stay committed. Also the idea of hosting my website was costing me somewhere 5000-7000 rupees, although money was never the problem but i literally had nothing to share with the world, i had no exposure of the world, no real skills i could teach about, no real problems i had solved before, rather all i had was a pile of insecurities that were eating me everyday.
Then i got an idea that i will start a channel on telegram and write there whatever i feel good about, although i had no audience this time, unlike my previous websites where i had daily new visitors coming up, this time i was doing it for the sake of my mental wellbeing, for the love towards writing, for the frustration i felt talking/engaging with people, and also for the frustration of feeling lonely at times.
In these two years i had written over 200-300 entries, mostly being accounted for venting my feelings, of these many entries i had only made around 20% public[1], and other entries were kept private. i had no subscribers even by the end of the year, and it was all because i was never been consistent with the art and never respected it, i attached the idea of “getting the ideas” something which will occur only when i have people in my life and will not if i were left alone.
As more and more people exited from my life, i stopped getting any ideas (exactly what i thought of earlier), because my ideas were inspired from people, how they treated me, and how i wanted to be treated, i feel guilty while writing this, that i was just preaching about the ideals or how a conflict should be resolved while on the other hand i was silent in my own life where all those internal conflicts and chaos were happening.
I became this very person which i never wanted to see myself become, what started as a interest became a medication to cure my frustrations i had with the life, now i want to transition back to the same version, if not exactly the same version, i now want to move towards the next phase of expressing, or more importantly expressing my ideas and not throwing up junk in the name of “self-reflection” or useless wisdom of any sort which even i never be able to apply myself.
From here onwards I will keep this site active for as long as i could and will share whatever I think is interesting, useful-for me, or for the readers (if there will be any!).
^1Will someday share with you those entries.